Six the explanation why we always fall in love with the “improper”

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The quickest, easiest, and most amazing technique for destroying someone’s life is to get into a serious relationship with the “wrong” person: with very little effort and no innate instinct for disaster, in middle age or earlier – we can end up in a mass of problems, from bankruptcy, parental loss rights and social shame to homelessness, nervous and mental breakdown.

On the one hand, it can be quite fun and sweet to watch young couples, nicely dressed, sipping cocktails during mild summer evenings, with music and boating. On the other hand, it’s like watching a small child play with a loaded rifle or a sharpened knife.

Choosing a partner is the most important “job interview” in our lives. About half of us make a mistake in that choice, not because we are incompetent, but because we are wounded. We seem to expect to receive at least minimal training for this “job” and be guided by some safety lights.

But we are left to follow our own (wrong) instincts, abandoned to cause our own wonderful catastrophes, one generation after another, without deriving the slightest benefit from our sufferings and the late life cognitions of others.

What, above all, obscures our reasoning, is something we have limited control over and we are rarely given the opportunity to explore them sufficiently: our childhood, and especially our troubled childhood, which is one of the greatest indicators of unhappy adult love, in the process of pain and suffering, simply and completely, an unhappy time with our loved ones in early lives.

It is too much to expect that someone who was unloved and neglected as a child, will grow into a person who makes reasonable and successful decisions. The best we can do is realize that our instincts can be rather unreliable guides to our future satisfaction – which could prompt us to ask someone to be our wise and impartial judge, who will check and help us in that task.

This is something that is happening because of our weakened capacity for “interviews”:

1. We cannot evaluate

What sets emotionally damaged people apart from strong and healthy people is not their relationship with crazy “candidates” (they are everywhere and often very irresistible at first) but their ability to spot problems in time and get rid of such people, with the necessary ruthlessness and determination.

2. We are not friends with ourselves

The reason for being stuck is extremely painful: we don’t like ourselves. Therefore, when someone leaves us, betrays us, blows hot and cold, plays with us, routinely promises and tramples on his promises, denies us tenderness and swears that he will never do us any harm again, and then he continues to do so, our first , the second and hundredth impulse is never to just get up and leave.

Our tendency is to ask ourselves how we caused the problem, whether we may have misunderstood something, and to look for ways to harass our partner less.

Our past has helped us develop a touching but ultimately catastrophic tendency to think and take action against ourselves – and to give unnaturally much credit to someone else. It may take us a decade to understand something that one can understand in one evening: that such a person does not deserve us.

3. We cannot disappoint anyone

Taking care of yourself requires a rare skill: the ability – at certain times – to disappoint another person in order to protect ourselves. To stay healthy, we may have to say “no” to parties, reject a friend’s proposal, reject an invitation, and in a partnership, upset the partner, even when he or she is wonderful to us.

For someone who is not full of inner love for himself – how dare you reject another person’s love, even if it is wrapped in poison? How, given who I am, do I dare to make my partner cry?

4. Hopefully too

Children growing up in families with difficult parents or guardians cannot change or get rid of them. From a position of helplessness, these children learn one thing extremely well: they hope that their parents or guardians will magically change and learn to be better.

If they are patient, polite and accommodating enough, those difficult adults will take pity and change. These suffering souls bring their misguided patience into their relationships as adults, with similar results. They lack a key insight: health sometimes includes the ability to give up on certain people.

5. We are too afraid to be alone

Our readiness to get out of an unsatisfactory relationship is partly an indicator of our beliefs that single life will be bearable and prepare better future partners for us. On the other hand, an unsatisfactory relationship can permanently betray our reasonable expectations.

Who else would want us or worse, how would any normal person enjoy spending time with us, caring for someone like us? How much easier is it to watch our best hopes quietly crumble beneath the intrusive or even unconsciously sadistic personality of the current partner?

6. Kindness is “boring” to us

A troubled past will make us unusually relentless toward the true kindness we experience. We instinctively feel good people are boring, unattractive, which causes us discomfort and horror. We may not be able to say what is wrong with them after the first meeting. We may say that there was no chemistry or that our interests did not coincide.

But if we knew ourselves better, what we would discover would sound rather strange: certain people feel that they are not for us because we know that they will not be able to inflict on us the amount of suffering we grew up with so that we can feel loved. These people are not for us because they are guaranteed to be kind and kind to us.

In a better-organized society, the art of love interviews would be taught from an early age – and the verification process would be at least as rigorous as when applying for a driver’s license. We would not be left alone, without prior help and advice, to destroy our own lives.

Many of us should at least be aware of the extent to which our impulses can be deceptive (especially if our childhood was filled with suffering). We should not blame ourselves, just accept that we need to learn a very unknown and for us quite unusual thing: to treat ourselves nicely and in love, writes Živim.hr.

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